LJ Idol Exhibit B.5: ha-ha [not to be confused with laughter]

[alexpgp]

"Excuses," bellowed our Senior Drill Instructor, enunciating each syllable individually, "are like bellybuttons. Everybody's got one, and they serve no useful purpose."

Other D.I.'s had their own version of this expression involving another part of the body, but according to our Senior, that other part actually did serve a useful purpose from time to time, which made it superior to (and placed it in a class separate from) navels and excuses. His aphorism, repeated at intervals during the course of boot camp training, made it pretty clear to us recruits: nobody's interested in excuses.

Ever since, I've had a pretty steady rule about apologies, and it's basically this: Say "I'm sorry," and shut up. Stifle the temptation to add an excuse, especially if it's a good one.

Why waste a perfectly valid excuse, you ask? It's for the simple reason that extenuating circumstances don't change outcomes, which is what the person you're apologizing to is all worked up about. If nothing else, a simple, excuse-free apology will almost certainly surprise the recipient, who likely has become weary of listening to insipid explanations of why things happened the way they did Scotch-taped to the tail end of, or offered in place of, an apology.

As with so many essential life skills, apologizing is not something that's taught in school. In fact, by pressing students to provide reasons for their transgressions, teachers can end up nurturing a mind-set that will seek to offer excuses forever after. In this regard, I was somewhat fortunate, though it took me years to realize this.

You see, back in fourth grade, several drawn-out exchanges took place between myself and my teacher (aka, "The Pill") where she would badger me to explain exactly why I had done (or failed to do) something that had been required of me. (This was something that occurred pretty regularly with me in fourth grade, but I digress...) As unsophisticated as I was, I honestly had no idea why, and said so repeatedly, to the great amusement of my classmates and The Pill's ever-escalating irritation.

It was only years later, after reading Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People, that I realized why my responses had so irritated The Pill: they didn't provide enough "wind" (to borrow Carnegie's analogy) with which she could "fill her sails." Carnegie observed, correctly, that most people respond to criticism by trying to justify themselves, or by offering excuses, and in doing so they only provide critics with the means with which to criticize further. Carnegie's proposed solution? "Take the wind out of their sails."

I had occasion to make use of this principle back at my first publishing job, working as a low-level production editor in charge of sending scientific journals to the printer each week. One time, I must have left my brain at home on the day journals were put to bed, because one of my journals was sent to press with the wrong date on the cover. Yikes!

Naturally, a mistake of this magnitude became known only after the issue had been printed and bound, and to say that my boss was upset underscores the inadequacy of the printed word as a medium of communication. He was furious, and as I was heading toward his office in response to his summons, I was told (by older and wiser editors) to expect a rather lengthy session on the carpet. I thought I detected a whiff of Schadenfreude in the air, as well.

"So what do you have to say for yourself?" said my boss after I closed the door to his office behind me. He held the journal up for me to see and continued, "Because if you think this is funny—you know, like ha-ha funny—you'll forgive me if I don't laugh."

I took a deep breath.

"Boss, I've seen the cover and I think I'm more upset about it than you are. It was my responsibility to make sure it was done right, and I dropped the ball. I made my department look bad and you look bad. It was entirely my fault. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

What was my boss going to do, argue with me? I had emptied his sails of wind. And while my choice of words was intended to reduce the severity of the dressing down I was in for, I meant every word I said.

My boss gave me a hard look, threw the copy of the journal that he was holding in the trash, and said, "Right. Make sure that it doesn't. Now get out of here and get back to work."

The total time I spent in my boss's office was probably under two minutes. When discreet inquiries on the part of my peers (made to our boss's secretary) revealed that I hadn't been simply fired outright, they were frankly amazed. What had I done to escape a long, excruciating chewing-out?

I had apologized and then shut up.

Comments

[adoptedwriter.livejournal.com]

I remember reading that book as a college assignment. AW

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

I had to discover the book on my own, and am happy I did.

Cheers...

[eastexpert.livejournal.com]

I want to specifically thank you for this posting.

As a matter of fact, just recently I was pondering about how an apology is different from an excuse. People told me they don't want any excuses and I always suffered something from offering those.

As my EQ (emotional quotient, vs IQ the intellectual one) is rather low, and I always had to move on in my life using logic rather than less known to me things like "intuition".

This explanation, tersely put but offering sufficient explanations, has now been copy/pasted into my Book of Correct (Pseudo)Emotional Responses.

[tatdatcm.livejournal.com]

Early in my career, I received a promotion and the thing my new boss told me was a deciding factor and that really stuck was that I took responsibility for what I did, both right and wrong, and didn't make excuses.

It was the best advice/compliment to give a person starting a career and I've taken it to heart and tried to remember it every time something goes wrong.

We probably do a great disservice to kids, like The Pill did to you, when we ask for explanations. What's wrong is wrong, and our children need to know that no excuse will make it right.

Thanks for writing this. :)

[x-disturbed-x.livejournal.com]

After reading this I realized I was doing this exact thing today. At least now I know and can work on changing it.

[bookishgeek.livejournal.com]

This is a lesson we've all needed to learn at one point or another, I'm still learning it. This was a lovely wake-up call, thanks!

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

I need to work more on this principal myself!

insipid explanations of why things happened the way they did Scotch-taped to the tail end of, or offered in place of, an apology.
This is so very common now that it borders on the "fauxpology." I think the end result is the same: the aggrieved or their situation was not important enough for you to make the effort to do it right. Yes, sometimes extenuating circumstances get in the way. But more often, it's simply that you've screwed up. Try to make everything into an extenuating circumstance becomes infuriating to the aggrieved.

I probably should read that Carnegie book. I'm long on empathy, but my other areas of EQ are often a bit short, like the other person who commented.

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

I like your strategy. :)

[porn-this-way.livejournal.com]

Carnegie's proposed solution? "Take the wind out of their sails."

This is a fascinating perspective! I've never read the book in question, and the whole thing seems counter-intuitive at first (if you're gonna fuck up, at least have a good reason, ya know?) but the example with the boss made the logic and mechanisms of the whole thing snap into place. I'm not one for apologies unless I actually mean them, but taking the wind out of a pissed off person's sails is ALWAYS a useful trick to have up one's sleeve!

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. Glad it's of use.

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

Well... the deadline was approaching! :)

Seriously, I think I managed to strike a balance.

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

I appreciate the comment.

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you enjoyed my essay.

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

Carnegie gets a bad rap from more recent self-help gurus as being too manipulative, but I don't really see it that way. I still think the book is worth reading, even in the 21st century.

Cheers...

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

There's a pretty fine line between a course of action that doesn't pan out and an out-and-out "fuckup." In both cases, I think "apologize-and-shut-up" is the way to go, and then only discuss what happened in a spirit of "let's see if we can do better next time."

Thanks for reading.

Cheers...

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. :)

[ecosopher.livejournal.com]

Saying you're sorry is a great way to begin :) This was really well written.

[kf4vkp.livejournal.com]

Always good advice

[fourzoas.livejournal.com]

This was a great story: lots of audience connection possible here, great life lessons, all wrapped up in your usual witty and conversational prose.

[lrig-rorrim.livejournal.com]

This was a really good read - and it reminded my of John Scalzi's How to Apologize (http://whatever.scalzi.com/2013/04/15/apologies-what-when-and-how/) post, which is one of my favorites. It's something most of us were never really taught, and our instincts are to do it ALL WRONG in the moment, because we're being confronted with the fact that we messed up. It's pretty easy to do right, though, with just a little bit of thought.

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

This is a great story and very well told! I learned this early in life myself and managed to get myself out of what I had thought would surely be a dismissal with an apology that held no excuses, while the other party to blame had made a series of excuses and argued her way out of her job, it's amazing the simplicity of an honest apology.

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

Glad you liked it!

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the kind words. I think, having read other comments, there might be a kernel of a longer, collective piece on the subject.

Cheers...

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the link. I found it informative.

I'm glad you like the essay.

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

It would be interesting to read more about that episode, and to see how that other party argued her way out of a job.

I'm glad you liked the entry. Thanks for the kind words.

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

This made me think of the Negative Assertion technique in Manuel Smith's When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. One of the better ways to deal with criticism is to find at least some piece of it that you agree with.

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

Dealing with criticism with which one largely disagrees opens up a whole new and, um, tantalizing can of worms!

I'll have to check out negative assertion.

Cheers...

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

I really like this. And yes, sometimes..I mean, everyone has an excuse. Either way, I'm sorry. So..why explain? If "I'm sorry" isn't enough, my excuse won't be either.