A POV not often heard...
Oct. 1st, 2003 09:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alexpgpI ran across the following thought-inspiring guest post on Mrs. du Toit's site. The poster, one Sean K., starts out with the following:
Adults as Peers
The following is a guest post from Sean K:
A few weeks ago, I wrote Mrs. du Toit to say that, since I've perched in her comments quite a bit lately, I'd like to contribute something to the site even though she has no Pay Pal or Amazon button. I was thinking along the lines of a basket of cookies or a bottle of wine—point, click, enter credit card number, feel generous. But Mrs. du Toit is a mother, and she responded that goods were no substitute for effort: the contribution that would please her would be a guest post.
Fine. In keeping with one of the running themes in her essays, I have something to say about child-rearing: children need friends. By "friends," I don't mean peers, I mean you. And by "you," I mean the kind of friend that makes the adult world seem interesting and rewarding and worth maturing into in ways that parents, however loving, cannot.
For one thing, parents, especially in our nuclear-family society, have to nag and play the heavy and supervise even when they feel sick or stressed out. For another, while the unconditional love of blood relatives is important and comforting, the love and appreciation of outsiders is just as important and comforting in a different way. A parent who spends time around a child is doing his job; friends of the family who spend time around a child are signaling that they, with all the glamour of being grown-ups, enjoy him as a person. They reinforce the idea that the child belongs to a larger world than the household, and they bring a range of experiences and perspectives that two parents simply can't supply on their own.
All of this seems intuitive to me, and perhaps it is to most readers here also. But from college on, I've met a really astonishing number of people who don't seem to have had any adults in their lives that weren't designated authority figures. My parents had several friends who gave me books and really wanted to know what I thought of them afterward, who taught me card tricks, who explained about nutrients while I was helping with the vegetables. The ones who were most intimate with my parents had clearance to discipline me however they saw fit; in turn, I was allowed to call them by their first names (this was a big deal when I was growing up). But most of the people I'm thinking of talked to me at a level of sophistication that was just barely above what I'd already mastered. I knew from watching my parents that adulthood was plenty hard, but I also learned from their friends that with responsibility came freedom to pursue your curiosity. I had people besides peers to go to when I had problems with my parents—we were a happy family, but we were also four very strong personalities in a very small house—who could sympathize with me without undermining their authority.
These things have always mattered, but they especially matter in a free society in which a lot of parents move around frequently and have to do their job far from experienced elder relatives. There's also the problem that, to steal a point from Judith Martin, many of those elder relatives are baby boomers who think it's dashing to play at being teenagers again.
On the blogs I read, I see a lot of righteous fury at irresponsible parents and educators. Much of it is justified, but it remains true that most parents cannot turn children into adults without help and that educators cannot teach good behavior from the ground up if they expect to wedge any academics into the school day. There's no replacement for absent fathers or teachers who actually teach, but an adult who encourages a child to grow into her best self is way better than nothing. Youth groups are always looking for volunteers, and a letter to the son of a former neighbor asking how he's doing only takes 15 minutes to write and post. That may be more effort than an outraged comment to a website, but it's less than trying to recivilize a generation that hits its twenties irresponsible and unmoored.
Cheers...
I have something to say about child-rearing: children need friends. By "friends," I don't mean peers, I mean you. And by "you," I mean the kind of friend that makes the adult world seem interesting and rewarding and worth maturing into in ways that parents, however loving, cannot.The complete essay is behind the cut.
Adults as Peers
The following is a guest post from Sean K:
A few weeks ago, I wrote Mrs. du Toit to say that, since I've perched in her comments quite a bit lately, I'd like to contribute something to the site even though she has no Pay Pal or Amazon button. I was thinking along the lines of a basket of cookies or a bottle of wine—point, click, enter credit card number, feel generous. But Mrs. du Toit is a mother, and she responded that goods were no substitute for effort: the contribution that would please her would be a guest post.
Fine. In keeping with one of the running themes in her essays, I have something to say about child-rearing: children need friends. By "friends," I don't mean peers, I mean you. And by "you," I mean the kind of friend that makes the adult world seem interesting and rewarding and worth maturing into in ways that parents, however loving, cannot.
For one thing, parents, especially in our nuclear-family society, have to nag and play the heavy and supervise even when they feel sick or stressed out. For another, while the unconditional love of blood relatives is important and comforting, the love and appreciation of outsiders is just as important and comforting in a different way. A parent who spends time around a child is doing his job; friends of the family who spend time around a child are signaling that they, with all the glamour of being grown-ups, enjoy him as a person. They reinforce the idea that the child belongs to a larger world than the household, and they bring a range of experiences and perspectives that two parents simply can't supply on their own.
All of this seems intuitive to me, and perhaps it is to most readers here also. But from college on, I've met a really astonishing number of people who don't seem to have had any adults in their lives that weren't designated authority figures. My parents had several friends who gave me books and really wanted to know what I thought of them afterward, who taught me card tricks, who explained about nutrients while I was helping with the vegetables. The ones who were most intimate with my parents had clearance to discipline me however they saw fit; in turn, I was allowed to call them by their first names (this was a big deal when I was growing up). But most of the people I'm thinking of talked to me at a level of sophistication that was just barely above what I'd already mastered. I knew from watching my parents that adulthood was plenty hard, but I also learned from their friends that with responsibility came freedom to pursue your curiosity. I had people besides peers to go to when I had problems with my parents—we were a happy family, but we were also four very strong personalities in a very small house—who could sympathize with me without undermining their authority.
These things have always mattered, but they especially matter in a free society in which a lot of parents move around frequently and have to do their job far from experienced elder relatives. There's also the problem that, to steal a point from Judith Martin, many of those elder relatives are baby boomers who think it's dashing to play at being teenagers again.
On the blogs I read, I see a lot of righteous fury at irresponsible parents and educators. Much of it is justified, but it remains true that most parents cannot turn children into adults without help and that educators cannot teach good behavior from the ground up if they expect to wedge any academics into the school day. There's no replacement for absent fathers or teachers who actually teach, but an adult who encourages a child to grow into her best self is way better than nothing. Youth groups are always looking for volunteers, and a letter to the son of a former neighbor asking how he's doing only takes 15 minutes to write and post. That may be more effort than an outraged comment to a website, but it's less than trying to recivilize a generation that hits its twenties irresponsible and unmoored.
Cheers...
