What I learned from The Big Edit™...

[alexpgp]

The job's not finished yet, but a couple of items have been driven home over the course of reviewing very nearly 200,000 words of translation.

First, watch out for the overuse of the word "also," especially in constructions along the lines of "and also" (e.g., "The company will try to sustain performance and also to introduce new technologies.)

There is a hazard as well in the premature (and, in my opinion, superfluous) appearance of "also," as in the sentence

Other countries attempting to accelerate biofuel production have also encountered problems similar to those experienced in the United States.

I find it's a little jarring to be hit with that "also" like that, its placement reminds me of the instruction "turn left where the barn used to be" given to the lost motorist in the old joke about the city-slicker and the New England farmer. The sentence reads perfectly well without the word:

Other countries attempting to accelerate biofuel production have encountered problems similar to those experienced in the United States.

In short, I've found that a significant percentage of "also" occurrences can be deleted without harming the text. Maybe it's a peccadillo of this particular translation, but still...

Second, it's almost always possible to get rid of fluff like "We should note that..." For example,

Looking back at history, we should mention that on October 8, 1975, at a scientific session de­voted to [a branch of scientific research, an eminent person gave a speech about energy.]

At the very least, the "we should mention that" can be dropped to read

Looking back at history, on October 8, 1975, at a scientific session de­voted to [a branch of scientific research, an eminent person gave a speech about energy.]

And frankly, I think the sentence survives very well - and the overall text reads smoother - in the following form:

On October 8, 1975, at a scientific session de­voted to [a branch of scientific research, an eminent person gave a speech about energy.]

I really should get back to work, even if my heart isn't really in it. I can hear Galina packing upstairs.

Cheers...

Comments

[furzicle.livejournal.com]

Your new card should read Translations and Rewriting.
Of course, this is probably a part of why they call you. Somehow, mysteriously, their writing always sounds so much better after you have a go at it.

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

Well, even though I agree wholeheartedly with your last sentence, I must admit to picking my examples carefully. :)

Cheers...

[ice-hesitant.livejournal.com]

You could place the independent clause first:

[Looking back on history,] An eminent person gave a speech about energy on October 8, 1975, at a scientific session de­voted to a branch of scientific research.

[alexpgp.livejournal.com]

Under no circumstances should the clause in square brackets be allowed to live! :)

(I say that because I have good reason to believe the person was not looking back on history as he was giving the speech.)

In principle, though, you're right: almost any sentence can be rewritten and improved by doing so. The trick, when dealing with 200,000 words of such material, is to only rewrite the sentences that really need it. :)

Cheers...

[days-unfolding.livejournal.com]

I have a tendency to overuse "also" in my papers. Thanks for the reminder not to use it.

[vuzh.livejournal.com]

It would be interesting to train oneself to speak without using fluff phrases like those you pointed out.